worst fear.

i have many fears. especially when it comes to my babes.
i try to let some of them go.
but there are some that haunt me.

well, one of my fears happened sometime in the overnight hours last friday night.
and the other :: last night.

kids getting sick. the puking kind of sick :: horrible fear of this.
and up until this weekend, i had yet to experience it.
i went 22 months without having to deal with this.

holden got the bug first.
and bless his heart. he experienced it all by his lonesome. and then had to sleep in it all.night.long.
adam and i got them up saturday morning and that's when we noticed the smell and the chunks.
ALL over his crib. ALL of holden. All of his biggles.
we bathed him up. did some laundry. and he was as good as new.
except hes' not eating like normal. and he's got some horrendous diapers. and rash.
but no more puking. from him. thank God.

adam left saturday afternoon for florida.
my mom flew in just after adam left.
we had a great rest of the day/evening with grammie.
all was fine sunday.
until i went to check on them before i took myself to bed.

i walked into their room. and smelt that smell. this time :: ledger.
i'm pretty sure it had just happened. as he was sitting up. saying uh oh. then the crying started.
i took him in the bathroom. grammie came in to discover the mess. and we went to work.
sheets changed. ledger changed. laundry started.
we did a total of two loads of laundry.
changed ledger about five times.
grammie got puked on twice.
it was late when this was all said and done.
ledger was exhausted. and scared.
i was a wreck.

we tried laying him down in his crib.
only for him to dry heave.
it seemed to happen every time he laid on his stomach.
sleep with mommy?!
he has never ever ever slept with mommy.
this was never going to happen.

but it did.

my sweet little sick baby slept in his mommy's arms for the first time in his life.
i held him. and i watched him sleep.
he snores. and he moves A LOT. he looks like an angel when he sleeps.
i laid awake until three in the morning.
praying. watching him. and holding him.
my heart hurt for him. and i wouldn't wish that on him again.
but man :: the snuggles were amazing.
even if i only got 4 hours of sleep last night.


so my other biggest fear......
something like last night happening while i am by myself.
and that sure would have been the case. me alone with a sick kid. if my momma wasn't here. 
this sure isn't what we had planned for these few days.
but, i'm pretty sure she's not complaining about ALL of the snuggles she's getting from the boys either.
i wouldn't have known what to do without her last night.
she was my saving grace.

besides the boys being super tired today.
they seem fine.
i hope to get out of this house tomorrow and do something fun with grammie.
it's sps'd to be in the high 50's here on wednesday.
sure would like to enjoy the park. and the sun. 
ugh to puke fest.
thankful for grammie.