on my heart.

school has started again.
i saw all the kiddos dressed in their best. their mommy's walking them to the bus stop. capturing their first day with a picture.
i watched the buses come and go.
the kiddos are off for the day.

the momma's are free for the day.

i sat in my bedroom and thought :: how lucky are those moms. what in the world would i do for a whole day. every day. by myself?!?
i was a bit jealous. i cannot lie.

yesterday was a hard day for me. the boys were actually really good for me. it wasn't even that.
i was just super tired. and had way too much on the to-do list.
more so now than ever before i feel like i can't get caught up.
my days all run together. and they seem like they last forever. even though i never have enough time in one day?!?

my house is always a mess. my boys are ALWAYS dirty. they live to be outside. and i let them. as one day, sooner than i'd like :: being outside will not be an option. so, we live outside during all waking hours. dirt. mulch. and the sand box are on their priority list. which means :: dirt. mulch and sand make their way into my house on a daily basis. dirty hands are all over the walls. the floor. the couch. their inside toys. anything they touch before i can clean them. and even if i clean them. they are usually right back outside within minutes to repeat the madness all over again. you feel'n me?!

okay, so back to yesterday {last night}....

once the boys were in bed {which is 8ish instead of 7ish these days :: I MISS 7ISH} i had to clean. go to the grocery store. fold a load of laundry. and get ready for miss maria to come today.
adam usually helps clean. especially if i am stressed out like i was last night. but last night, i had a list of things for him to do outside. water all the flowers. sweep all the mulch and dirt out of the garage. and sweep the sand. mulch. and dirt off the back patio.
i did my chores inside. he did his outside.
i sat down on the couch at 9:15. turned on my computer. got on face book. read a post that were my words EXACTLY.

Can I just say one more time, it's hard being a mom! I'm pooped and the day is not over, house is a pit, and the list is growing as I type! Need to go to the gym to keep the cellulite away and still need to cook dinner and get kids to bed. sheeeeeesh

for some reason, it made me feel :: not alone.

fast forward to this morning. the kids. the buses. the moms who were left for hours on end to do whatever they wanted sans kids. i was jealous. and i maybe even thought to myself :: why oh why can't my boys be just a few years older so they can go to school?!

miss maria came this morning. it was her second day with us. they boys cried in typical fashion when i left. only to stop crying within minutes. they had an awesome morning at the park. i went to the gym and attended an awesome class. followed by a mini shopping spree. and had time to breath on my own. i came home to happy babies. a clean refrigerator {yes she is a keeper for sure!}. and i was feeling good and refreshed.

the boys went down for a nap. i made a sandwich. sat on the couch. got on the computer. and saw a new blog post from momastery. {this always makes my day when glennon writes what's on her heart}. i read it. tears rolled down my cheeks. again, thought back to the kids this morning. the buses. the moms. and that jealousy i felt this morning :: WAS GONE.

i posted the link on my face book page. in hopes that everyone would read it. and hopefully read it to their children tonight. it's powerful stuff. 

you see, i'm a creature of habit. face book is always first. then comes my blog. i go to my blog to see who posted what for the day. mama and the dudes was on the top of my list. i read it. and my heart sunk some more.

and here i sit. i'm thinking about yesterday. and how i was so busy with life. and cleaning. and grocery store runs. and being mean and bitchy to my husband. because i was so busy. and the boys were always in the way. and just when i cleaned something. they came right along with their dirty little paws and messed it up again. i just couldn't get ahead. this morning i woke up in the same mind set. as i was jealous of the other moms who didn't have to clean up after babies. who had more than three hours to themselves today.

but then i read two other blog posts and my life is put back in perspective again.

there is absolutely no way. no how. i am ready to send my babies off to school. not even three hours two days a week. i couldn't do it. i'm not ready and neither are they.

this season of life is way to short. they are only little for such a short time in the scheme of life. and while it may be hard. and my house may be dirty. and i may feel like i can never EVER get ahead. i will try, yet again to cherish these moments with them.  the little. mundane. things with my babies. while they are babies and truly want me around. because there will come a day. it's inevitable, that my little baby boys will go off to school. they won't want me to make sand castles. or play in the mulch with their 'ty ty's.' or snuggle on the couch and watch another 'choo choo or mickey' with them for the hundredth time while i could be doing a million other things.

in the last 24 hours i went from wishing my life away {and my babies to school} to back to reality. my happy reality. with two happy. healthy. beautiful. {although i chopped holdey's hair yesterday and it's NOT his best look} baby boys who may love their mommy too much.

but i am A-OK with it.

thank you glennon and mandey for your posts today. thank you for the reminders to slow down. enjoy this time. even if my life feels like ground hog day. i'll take it if it means my babies are just that, babies. who love love LOVE their mommy.

and the feelings are mutual little ones.